To be a middle-aged guy in Southern California is to eventually say — probably more than once — “Yeah, I’m one of those assholes now.” That phrase slips out when you realize your daily routine includes things like cold plunges, gratitude journaling, and microdosing. And yes, I’ve tried all of them. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they end up on OfferUp next to my matcha whisk and that one barely-used foam roller.
2024, for whatever reason, has been my peak year for wellness experiments. Maybe it’s hitting my 50s, maybe it’s a post-pandemic health kick, or maybe it’s just the wellness industry getting better at selling stuff to guys like me. Regardless, I’ve leaned in. And much to my horror — and the delight of every wellness brand on Earth — a lot of this stuff actually works.
Meet the New Me
Here’s a non-exhaustive breakdown of the different kinds of wellness asshole I’ve become in the past year. Warning: results may include smugness, unsolicited health tips, and improved sleep.
The Cold-Plunge Convert
Let’s start with the most Instagrammable offense. You’ve seen the photos: toned people submerged in ice water, beaming like they just found enlightenment. That’s me now. I got a cold-plunge tub from a company called Plunge — and no, cold water doesn’t improve your naming creativity.
I’ve been plunging daily for over a month, and yes, it’s still painful. But also — it works. My energy is better. My mood is more stable. My skin’s tighter. My neighbors hear my daily gasp as I drop in and probably assume I’m being attacked. It’s a shock to the system, sure — but somehow a good one. That first breathless panic gives way to a weird, calm clarity. It’s like reverse fire-walking. Hypothermia never felt so good.
I’ve evangelized to friends, invited neighbors, extended the icy hand of solidarity. Most of them ghosted me. Their loss.
The Microdosing Guy (Ugh, I Know)
I’ve also joined the elite squad of tech bros and wellness seekers who microdose psilocybin. My journey started with bootleg capsules shipped in old cassette cases (Whitney Houston if you’re lucky, Michael Bolton if you’re not). Now, I pop a more polished gummy from a company called Psilouette. Yes, it’s got a cute name — and yes, it works better than you’d expect.
There’s no tripping. No colors dancing across the walls. No hallucinations of your childhood dog offering you life advice. It’s subtle — like a volume knob for your stress. I’m calmer. Less likely to spiral into overthinking. More open to just enjoying the sun and maybe listening to early R.E.M. (Okay, that happened once after an accidental double-dose.)
If Whole Foods made antidepressants, this would be it.
The Peptides & NAD+ Enthusiast
Men have been worrying about testosterone since birth. Luckily, a whole industry now exists to tell you exactly how low yours is and how much higher it could be — for a price.
I signed up with a company called Blokes. They sent a phlebotomist to my house, ran a million tests, and declared that my T levels were “actually high for my age.” Obviously, I’ve repeated that fact to every single person I’ve spoken to since. But still, there was “room for optimization.” Enter: weekly sermorelin injections and daily doses of NAD+ via nasal spray and lozenges. Apparently, these help my cells build…something? Honestly, I stopped listening after the testosterone part.
But here’s what I do know: I’m waking up feeling more alert. My brain is clearer. I have the energy to be slightly more insufferable at social gatherings. Win-win.
Yes, This Stuff Is Embarrassing — But It Works
I’m not here to sell you snake oil. I’m just saying that, to my own surprise, most of these things have delivered on their promises. Better sleep? Check. Less stress? Yup. Higher energy, sharper focus, improved mood? All there.
Could you get many of these same benefits just by quitting alcohol and eating better? Almost certainly. But come on — have you seen the news? There’s an election coming. A cold plunge is easier than giving up wine right now.
Final Thoughts from a Semi-Optimized Man
- Cold plunges: Terrible at first, but they work — and you’ll brag about it endlessly.
- Microdosing: Surprisingly helpful. No visuals, just chill.
- Peptides/NAD+: Science-y and expensive, but my brain feels brighter and I have better party stamina.
So, yes — I’m one of those wellness assholes now. And if you’re still skeptical, come over. I’ll show you the plunge tub, pop a gummy, stick myself with a needle, and tell you my testosterone score. It’ll be a great time. For me, anyway.
